i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
