I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
