A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
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