i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
