Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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