I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
