why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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