theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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