It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
