Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
