I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
