I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
How external is "for external use only"?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
