Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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