i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
