I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
