Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
