Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
