You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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