Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
