I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
