Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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