Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
