I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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