Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
