I just pynch a tree in the face
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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