Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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