I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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