Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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