The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
