I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
