My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
