3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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