Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
did i just pee glitter
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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