i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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