____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
