you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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