Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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