i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
