I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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