i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Even the bartender felt bad for me
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
