Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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