Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
