I can tuck mytits in my pants
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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