Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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