New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
