Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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