I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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