Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
