Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
