I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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