Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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